her vagine was all disorganized.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
