Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
