Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
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I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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