I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
