god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
