I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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