I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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