I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
how does that bad decision feel?
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