sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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