Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
