Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
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Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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