Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
