My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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