I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
