Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
