she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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