did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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