my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
