I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my vag is so smooth its legendary
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
