you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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