I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
