I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
