I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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