if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
