Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
