I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
