Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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