he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
