i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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