When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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