I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
