she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
