Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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