I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
