apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
