90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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