When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
