dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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