Already got asked if we're dating
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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