Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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