I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
