True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
