I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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