Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
