I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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