Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.