I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.