you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
