She is in my trunk
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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