i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you didnt know i had herpes?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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