4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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