I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
