Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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