I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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