WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
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I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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