I'm pants shitting drunk right now
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
