Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
