uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
