So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Two words: nipple clamps
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