mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
