help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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