I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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