I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
