I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
